I shall want--

Yes, i didn't make a mistake, i meant --i shall want-- What shall i want? more specifically, Who shall i want?

I imagine myself walking through a path.

I see bright, green, beautiful grass at each one of my sides...just that at my left side i was holding His right hand... we were walking together under the blue sky, and the soft breeze was caressing my face. It was a new spring day.

Through all my life, i've been walking that same path, everytime through different places and different seasons, sometimes even through the darkest night, and i can remember that i would look at my left side and there He was, stretching out his right hand so i could hold on to Him. Sometimes I would try to walk on my own, and He would let me! But just after a few steps, i would understand that there was no point to let go of His hand, i would be lost, i would be afraid...and even, blind.

But specially in this new spring day, i thought of something different, i wanted something more than just hold His hand, i mean, we walked most of the time, but i realized that i never looked into His eyes, face to face, and sat for a while to hear His voice...maybe i did hear it once, but by now i didn't remember anymore. So, yes, i stopped...first looking down, then i closed my eyes and felt His hand holding me so strong but gentle, i felt so secure...then i breathed really deep and opened my eyes turning my head up, because He is so much taller than me, and He was already with His eyes fixed upon me.

For a moment i felt i could not breathe, His gaze was so intense and overwhelming, like He could see through me. I felt ashamed, then one thick tear came out of His eyes, and then i was broken. I wanted to say something, i wanted to let go of His hand, i couldn't stop crying, i wanted to hide, to run away...i just felt so unworthy, filthy, ashamed...and when i tried to let go He hold me stronger, didn't hurt me, but surprised me, how could He want to be with me?

Then i heard it. Natalia--He called my name, He knows me; i never heard someone spoke out my name so beautifully, it was like music, a sweet melody, a comforting sound.

I raised my eyes to Him once again, and He smiled, He said--I love you-- He loves me! me?

Then i understood, all these years in which i've been walking with Him, i got used to Him and took His company for granted, wasting my time racing instead of stopping to look at Him, and letting Him to clean me with His gaze, hearing His voice and knowing His love.

Now i know that i definetely shall want, i shall want Him, and only Him, because with Him i lack nothing, i don't need anything outside of Him.

"Whom have in heaven but You? And there is none upon earth that i desire besides You." (Psalm 73:25)

"You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore." (Psalm 16:11)

"You have also given me the shield of Your salvation; Your right hand has held me up, Your gentleness has made me great." (Psalm 18:35)

"My soul follows close behind You; Your right hand upholds me." (Psalm 63:8)

Natalia
http://tehilim23.blogspot.com/